Pain

Some pain is good, for me it’s a real part of my life.  The intense and sheer pain of not having a father who loved, me or could express it to me but one time when I tried to kill myself.  The pain of never knowing what it would have felt like to have him hug me or tell me he thought the world of me.  The pain of a father who wanted nothing to do with me, not interested in anything about my life.

Facing rejection by peers, never fitting into their world.  Being scorned, ridiculed and made fun of because I didn’t meet their standards or expectations.  Being told over and over I would never amount to anything and I was good for the garbage, which in fact was done to me to prove the point.

Finding friends, feeling a sense of acceptance.  Building relationships, spending time getting to know them, hang out with them and do life together to only face rejection, be ignored, deleted from their life and never wanting anything to do with me again.

Trying hard to fix things I can’t and as hard as I try, I keep beating my head against the wall.  Hurting and using others shares my pain.  Breaking people down into a piece of something.  Knowing how I’ve been hurt and turning around and hurting others.  Unhealthy choices made again and again, when will I learn?

Silencing my voice, what good is it, where has it gotten me?  I hold back years of pent-up tears, anger, frustration and pain till my heart hurts and is ready to burst.  Feeling like my life will end soon, because of so much pain. Wishing I was someone or something else and that I could just disappear. Isn’t that what you really want from me pain?

Painful memories that flood my mind, reminding me of the people, family and friends that poked and prodded me to numbness. Shame, despair, grief, all make me feel like I would be better off living a different life instead of this one or the life I chose was a big mistake.

The one place I feel safe and feel open to can’t help, the folks there are just like everyone else.  We can’t help you, it’s to much.  You don’t belong here, you’re a mess, you don’t have what it takes to fit in here.  So I move on and find the same thing again and again, which makes me not come back to this place, but it’s what I believe in and know is real.  Pain doesn’t leave me alone here either.

To be real and let all this out; is something no one seems to understand and comprehend.  This pain only makes people want to leave my life.  Once again the pain of rejection sits there looking me straight in the face, another reason I fail.  Pain is my good friend.  I choose it more than anything else.

What good are you to my life pain, you keep coming in more times than I ever want and yet as much as I don’t want you, you always find a way back into my life. I wish I knew what to do with you, for I know it won’t be long until your back again. Back in some way shape or form, causing me to re-think all that I believe and know and who I am.

Sorry doesn’t take away the pain of a life of bad choices.  Sorry can’t take back the words spoken or the boundaries crossed or anger expressed.  Sorry doesn’t cut this pain; it’s just a reminder that you choose to go back to your old friend pain to manage your life. If nothing else the pain of my life will be an example to others.

I am not sure why some folks have more pain in their lives than others, but know that’s the way it is.  The pain I have experienced in my life doesn’t make me something special, it just means I have pain.  Everyone has pain