Adoption Story Part II

 

We continued praying and waiting and then we got the call.  They were wondering if we would take someone younger.  After talking it over we agreed to give it a try and an 18 month old little boy named Eli came to our house.  My older son had hoped for someone his age, and even though we were all hoping that was the case, we believe God brought him into our house for a reason.

Our Foster son, Eli in his short span of 4 years has lived with us longer then he has lived with anyone else in his life.  He too had parents who should not have been together and had a child.  His biological mother in her adolescence became addicted to crack and heroine thanks to her own mom, he gave it to her to deal with peer pressure.  Because of her mom and her choices they had been in the system for years.  Her attempts at getting clean, sober and changing her life have been minimal.  His biological father came from a broken home as well, with a father that chose to leave and left this young man to give up on school and attempt to make something of himself.  His choices were sleeping around and getting girls pregnant and taking no responsibility for his children.  He to also has been involved with drugs and alcohol as well as physical and verbal abuse and has spent time in jail as a result of this.  Both of our son’s biological parents have continued to make poor choices and neither one of them is even 25 yet. Their own brokenness joined together was toxic; bringing a child into this world they were not ready for and did not have the means to properly take care of.

His biological mom did drugs while she was pregnant with him.  He was born addicted to crack and heroine.  It took him 3 months to detox.  The mom continued to engage in drugs, somehow managing to hide her drug addiction from the father.  Our foster son too was exposed to drugs, not only being drug addicted but as a little guy having to go to the ER for blistering his hand after he picked up a crack pipe. DHS finally checked into the situation.  One day the dad came home to find the mom strung out and Eli walking around in soiled diapers, he beat her up and she took off and went into hiding.  The Dad’s mom tried to step in and help out and was later told by her son, take care of him or I will take him and you will never see him again.  Grandma placed him in Foster Care to protect him from his father.

We weren’t planning on adopting him at first, however because he is so darn cute and loves to cuddle and just makes your heart melt, it became clear quickly that he was meant to be a part of our family.  We’ve been going through the motions to adopt him through the state.  This makes it easier and does not provide a financial hardship for us as the state pays for all of it.  We’ve been to court on several occasions and had battles with family members.  We’ve watched as the Dad slowly did himself in by continuing in his patterns/behaviors and had his parental rights permanently terminated.  The mom on the other hand got herself into a safe house and was moving forward with trying to get her life together and we weren’t exactly sure what was going to happen. However, unfortunately for the mom she went back to what she had always chosen and made it clear to the rest of us.  I remember sitting in court watching her cry and plead to have her rights kept in place.  They gave her one last chance and she wasn’t willing to do it, so she ended up having her rights terminated.

The adoption was to be finalized in November of 2010, because everything was not in order by various parties it’s still in process.  We’ve patiently waited it out and continued to pray everything would go in our favor so that piece of paper could be signed making it official.

This is God’s design for our family.  He put our family together.  In a way my prayer for twins has been answered.  Our two youngest are only 6 months apart.  Eli being the older.  Basically this is the only life they know.  It’s also nice because of the age gap between our older 4 and the younger two.  The older 4 have each other and the younger 2 have each other to play with and hang out with while the older kids are at school.

Accepting Eli and welcoming him to our family was a bit easier than Hope.  I’m not sure exactly why that is, but I know that I love this little guy with all my heart and he is my son.  I love to come home and hear him call out my name and jump up into my lap and give me a hug and kiss.  I love to sit and talk with him as he plays with my hair and tells me he’s my boy and loves me.

I firmly believe there is a reason each person is on this earth and they are designed by God with value and purpose.  I do not believe that God makes mistakes or that anyone is a mistake.  In fact I hate it when people refer to children as mistakes or surprises. No matter what the circumstances I believe every life is valuable and important and maybe because of what happened you can’t deal with is, but there are plenty of other wonderful loving folks who want and will take care of a child lovingly, responsibly and correctly.

So I wrote this because I know what I have saved these two children from.  Now granted 6 kids is a lot and some people judge us and think because we don’t have a lot of money we shouldn’t be raising a large family.  My wife has had really horrible comments made towards her in the grocery store by other people because of the number of children we have.  I have had people make humorous jokes about my family needing a bus to get around, or that when we leave someplace half of the room empties out.  Some of these are actually quite funny and I know the pros and cons to having a large family.  My wife and I we have never looked at it that way.  We both wanted a large family and we are both happy with it this way.  We don’t believe that we need to have lots of money to make it.  We see things from a different perspective and know where our values lie.

I have saved my children from deadbeat dads who can’t hold down jobs.  Dad’s who won’t or can’t man up and be responsible men, most likely because they didn’t have good role models of their own.  Dad’s who live at home with their own parents because they can’t make it on their own.  Dad’s, who think it’s okay to go sleeping around with women, get them pregnant and then take no responsibility for that child.  Dad’s who put their needs above their own children and are more concerned with themselves than their own child.  Dad’s who can barely function to get by in life, lack no social skills and would rather hide then face things that need to be dealt with.  Mom’s who have abused and neglected their children.  Mom’s who have put their own children in harm’s way because they are dealing with their own addictions.  Moms’ who are spiteful and just want to get the dad back so they use their child as a pawn.  Mom’s who manipulate others and exert power and control over family members.  Mom’s who disrespect and degrade themselves in the name of “love” to find a man who will take care of them, only to find out this deadbeat is just like all the rest and you were just a pawn in his game.  Parent’s who have incredibly poor boundaries and don’t like to be held accountable for anything.  Parent’s who fool people, even their own family members into believing they have changed and are different.  Parent’s that will lie, cheat, steal and are willing to give up their child just to make it in life.

These are all the things our youngest two would be facing and dealing with had we not rescued them from the pits of hell.  These two precious children who we love and see no difference from our own biological children in would quickly be caught up in the same dysfunctional repeated patterns of their parents and see this as a normal way of life.  If they were lucky enough to survive to adulthood they would most likely think this is an okay way of life and that there was nothing wrong with it.  It’s all they would know and somehow they would adjust to this type of life.

I work in this same type of system and I am all to familiar with how all of this happens and how women have a hard time breaking out of the cycles of abuse and I don’t deny that to be true.  I know there are circumstances beyond our control that shape us.  I know all of this so well.  It’s actually very saddening to see all the evil and wicked things in this world especially when it comes to children.  I know there are children out there dealing with much worse than my kids and that some never even make it.  Their precious little lives are cut short at the hands of the very people who are supposed to protect and take care of them.

All my life I wanted to be a parent. I knew that going into parenting I was going to make mistakes and do something at some point that would cause some type of wound.  I also knew that I valued life and knowing that I had a huge responsibility in becoming a parent and I better have my stuff together because the life of this child was dependent on me.

My kids are amazing and wonderful and I am forever grateful to God for giving me the opportunity to be a Papa.  I highly regard being a parent as one of the most important roles in the world.  My kids come first and everything I do with my life is about making sure they have the very best I can give them and they are taken care of.  Parenting is serious business and I don’t believe it’s for everyone, especially if you aren’t wiling to stretch yourself in ways you never imagined.

I am no great person, but I do believe that each person is capable of greatness.  The greatest thing I will ever do is being a parent.  My legacy lives on through my children (biological or adopted). My wife and I can’t rescue all the children but I feel good knowing that there are 2 fewer children who don’t have to suffer at the hands of their parents any longer.

Adoption Story Part I

Prior to meeting my wife, I always had dreams of having a large family.  My ideal family consisted of a son, another son,  twin red-headed girls and then another son to finish it off.   I also knew if I never got married I was going to adopt a child,  (somehow, someday I would be a father) whatever it took I would make this happen.  On the first date my wife and I had I asked her this question “How many children do you want?”  She told me 4.  I told her I planned on having 5 and was she alright with this, because if it wasn’t there wasn’t any need for us to pursue dating.  She said she was fine with it and so we continued dating and 1 year later we got married.

6 weeks after we were married I asked my wife if she would stop taking birth control and get started on having a family.  She was more than overjoyed to do this and within a couple of days she was pregnant.  9 months later our daughter who is now 14 came into the world and we were both extremely happy.  We didn’t know till the day she was born we were having a girl, it took me all of 2 minutes to get over not having a son as my first child.

Around the time our daughter was 10 months old we began talking about more kids and what our future would hold.  We both agreed we were not going to use birth control any longer and leave it in God’s hands.  We also began discussing adoption and possibly adopting a child from another country.  We started pursuing this, obtaining information through various agencies on what it would take and the costs involved to adopt a child.  We didn’t know how we would ever afford to do it, but somehow God would provide a way for us to do this.

We decided to pray about it and see where God led us.  It was shortly after this we found out my wife was pregnant again and so we put our thoughts of adoption on the back burner.  Our son joined our family and I was more than overjoyed to finally have the son I had always dreamed of.

My son was turning 1 and we began the talk again about adoption.  We started praying and weighing our options and sure enough my wife was pregnant again.  After my son joined us, my wife was pregnant again 2 more times and two more daughters joined our family.  Not exactly close to what I had hoped for, however I was incredibly happy to have these 4 children.  They were very much a blessing from God.  When my wife had our 4^th daughter we were told she could not birth anymore children.  All 4 of our children were born by C-section.  Because my wife’s body didn’t cooperate, having any more children could risk her health and I wasn’t about to chance it.  So we accepted this was the family God wanted for us, 4 kids was enough and we were content with our family.

Something I should mention here, twins run on both sides of our family and every time my wife was pregnant I prayed throughout the entire pregnancy God would give us twins.  I prayed daily for this until I was assured there was only 1 baby in there and even then I held out hope that somehow they were wrong.

Fast forward life with 4 kids, we are busy, living life, doing our thing and we get a call asking to come to a family meeting for my wife’s brother and his wife at the DHS (Department of Child and Family Services ) office.  He and his wife have struggled in their marriage, had their oldest child removed from their home by DHS because the mom has mental health issues and their home was a toxic environment; unsafe for him to live.  We were asked if we would step in and do Foster Care for our nephew until things get better between the parents.  We didn’t even think twice about it, we just stepped in, took him in and took care of him.  We had less than a favorable experience in doing this and learned a lot of things that shouldn’t have happened, however our nephew was given back to his parents.  We didn’t have a lot of contact with them afterwards as our relationship had been very strained with them.

In January 2007 about 6 months after our nephew returned home to his parents we received an unexpected call came from my brother-in-law asking if I could meet him for coffee.  I went and met with him and found out they were pregnant again and because DHS was still involved in their lives they were told, they had 2 option, either abort the baby or give it up for adoption. If they proceeded to have the baby and try to keep it, they would remove the baby and place it in the foster care system.  So he came to me asking if my wife and I would consider adopting the baby so it could stay in the family.  I told him we would talk about this and get back to him.  I came home and laid out the story for my wife.  We had some heart to heart discussions, prayed about it and felt like it was the right choice and told them yes we would adopt the baby.

Immediately I set to work figuring out how to legally adopt a relative’s child.  After some time of searching we found a lawyer and we began moving forward with the process. I informed the parents about the lawyer and we were all on the same page at that point.

After one of the doctor appointments, the mom began sharing stories of what was going on at home. He was abusive and treating she and their son poorly.  She could no longer handle this and wanted to know if you could come and stay with us.  Based on some of the things she told us, we could see these things happening and felt like it would be ok for her to take and break from the situation.  No sooner had she and her son moved in when we noticed a significant change in our home.  We went from calm and peace to chaos.  It’s hard to define, because it’s not so much in actions but there just seems to be drama of some type and “stuff” that follows her that doesn’t make it easy to be around her.   They tried to make it work, she moved back home for bit, but it didn’t change and she and their son moved back with us.

As a result of all the drama between them, DHS became more even more involved in their life.  Safety plans were put in place for the mom and their son and we were ultimately responsible for taking care of the mom.  My wife and I continued to help support her throughout the rest of the pregnancy.  My wife attended all the prenatal appointments, and she helped prepare her for the birth.  While my wife was doing these things I was working with the lawyer to get all the paperwork in order and getting the parents to sign off on things.  My plan was to have the final paperwork ready for signatures shortly after the baby was born so the adoption would be complete.  Now that the mom was living with us, things began to change.

We made it clear to the mom that she needed to find a shelter or move in with a friend or someone else after the baby was born. We agreed she could stay with us for one week, but after that she would need to leave and we wanted our family to be able to bond with the baby.  The time was approaching for the baby to come and the doctors ended up scheduling an C-section and she also planned to have her tubes tied.  The day the baby arrived, my wife took them to the hospital and she delivered Hope.  I stayed home with the kids and kept them company while they did their part.  After she was born we went and visited a couple of times throughout the day.  Finally, it was time to come home and we all came back to our house.

We held firm, she stayed for one week and despite not putting any real effort into finding a shelter she luckily found one and she and her son moved into a shelter.

Hope was lovingly welcomed into our home.  The only problem was now the mom had decided she wasn’t quite ready to sign off on the papers just yet.  Since she was in a shelter it was difficult to get a hold of her and she only responded through e-mail.  She continued to drag it out longer and longer and then turned on us and wanted nothing to do with us.  Somehow she found a lawyer all on her own and in talking with the lawyer convinced the lawyer that we would pay for her to help with her divorce and get what she wanted out of the adoption.  She refused to sign or move any further unless we paid for her lawyer.  This is where things turned for me and it became difficult for my wife and I.  I was tired of the mom and her games.  I was sick and tired of this battle.  We were taking care of Hope, providing everything for her and yet had no legal right to her.  Her parents could have come in at any time and taken her away from us and we had no leg to stand on.  In my mind I wasn’t about to fight over this child.  My wife was willing to lay down her life for this little baby, but I wasn’t there yet.

When we had done Foster Care for her older brother I did all that I could to take care of him.  I provided him with the basics, but my heart was not in it.  He was not mine and I didn’t have all these warm and fuzzy feelings for him, like my wife did.  I didn’t connect with him in a way I thought I would and it was vastly different from my own kids.  Not that I would ever let something happen to him, but my feelings for my own kids versus what I felt for him were not the same and no matter how hard I tried my feelings weren’t changing.  Now the same thing was happening with Hope.  While I wanted to make sure she was taken care of properly, I was continuing to do all I could to bond with her, but I wasn’t feeling the feelings I had for my own kids.  I packed her around all the time, held her more than anyone else, kissed and hugged her and treated her no differently then I did with our older 4 kids after they were born. However those feelings still were not there.

Due to the mom’s unwillingness to move forward and I wasn’t about to pay for her lawyer. I was ready to tell her to come and take her baby and be responsible for her, we weren’t going to do it.  I had enough of her games and I wasn’t going to fight over a child that wasn’t mine.  I remember lying on the couch with Hope on my chest one Friday afternoon just looking at her.  Something changed inside of me.  I looked at her and saw how beautiful and wonderful she was and I offered up a prayer to God.  “God, I offer this child up to you, she belongs to you and you know what’s best for her, I pray blessings upon this little girl and if you want me to take care of her I will.”  As soon as I uttered those words my heart melted and changed.  I don’t know how or why but it did.  A day after that things began changing.  The mom was suddenly willing to begin signing papers, however she still wanted her lawyer paid for.  After talking with our lawyer we negotiated just what we would pay for, the adoption and nothing more.  She agreed to this and we moved forward with her adoption.  Prior to her 1^st birthday the adoption was finalized.  All of our many prayers answered; it was done.  She was officially our daughter.  In my heart she had become my daughter the day I offered up that prayer to God.

Since then Hope has been a huge blessing to our family.  She is a funny, gregarious, bossy little girl who we all love and enjoy.  She’s just like all of our other kids.  I never thought I would feel the way I feel about her, but I am so glad my heart changed.  She is my daughter and I believe that God designed our family this way.