Pain


Some pain is good, for me it’s a real part of my life.  The intense and sheer pain of not having a father who loved, me or could express it to me but one time when I tried to kill myself.  The pain of never knowing what it would have felt like to have him hug me or tell me he thought the world of me.  The pain of a father who wanted nothing to do with me, not interested in anything about my life.

Facing rejection by peers, never fitting into their world.  Being scorned, ridiculed and made fun of because I didn’t meet their standards or expectations.  Being told over and over I would never amount to anything and I was good for the garbage, which in fact was done to me to prove the point.

Finding friends, feeling a sense of acceptance.  Building relationships, spending time getting to know them, hang out with them and do life together to only face rejection, be ignored, deleted from their life and never wanting anything to do with me again.

Trying hard to fix things I can’t and as hard as I try, I keep beating my head against the wall.  Hurting and using others shares my pain.  Breaking people down into a piece of something.  Knowing how I’ve been hurt and turning around and hurting others.  Unhealthy choices made again and again, when will I learn?

Silencing my voice, what good is it, where has it gotten me?  I hold back years of pent-up tears, anger, frustration and pain till my heart hurts and is ready to burst.  Feeling like my life will end soon, because of so much pain. Wishing I was someone or something else and that I could just disappear. Isn’t that what you really want from me pain?

Painful memories that flood my mind, reminding me of the people, family and friends that poked and prodded me to numbness. Shame, despair, grief, all make me feel like I would be better off living a different life instead of this one or the life I chose was a big mistake.

The one place I feel safe and feel open to can’t help, the folks there are just like everyone else.  We can’t help you, it’s to much.  You don’t belong here, you’re a mess, you don’t have what it takes to fit in here.  So I move on and find the same thing again and again, which makes me not come back to this place, but it’s what I believe in and know is real.  Pain doesn’t leave me alone here either.

To be real and let all this out; is something no one seems to understand and comprehend.  This pain only makes people want to leave my life.  Once again the pain of rejection sits there looking me straight in the face, another reason I fail.  Pain is my good friend.  I choose it more than anything else.

What good are you to my life pain, you keep coming in more times than I ever want and yet as much as I don’t want you, you always find a way back into my life. I wish I knew what to do with you, for I know it won’t be long until your back again. Back in some way shape or form, causing me to re-think all that I believe and know and who I am.

Sorry doesn’t take away the pain of a life of bad choices.  Sorry can’t take back the words spoken or the boundaries crossed or anger expressed.  Sorry doesn’t cut this pain; it’s just a reminder that you choose to go back to your old friend pain to manage your life. If nothing else the pain of my life will be an example to others.

I am not sure why some folks have more pain in their lives than others, but know that’s the way it is.  The pain I have experienced in my life doesn’t make me something special, it just means I have pain.  Everyone has pain

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About Chris Goforth

West Coast Hipster Ninja husband and Papa- allowing Jesus to impact every aspect of my life while raising 6 kids, taking photos, being outdoors & playing Settles of Catan. View all posts by Chris Goforth

11 responses to “Pain

  • Moe

    I so understand your situation. As you know, my dad was just a sperm donor. Walked out on my brother and I when we were toddlers.

    I also experienced pain in this world.

    Chris, I too don’t know “why” pain is here, but I can say with certainty that Christ gives us a life that is more than what this world has offered us.

    C.S. Lewis once wrote, “pain is God’s megaphone to rise a dead world”.

  • Randy

    Pain is real, constant and lurks around the corner, or constantly lies below the surface for many. Only the continuing grace and power of God can heal the wounds and ease the pain. Chris, this is no empty platitude…measure the distance you’ve come by the grace you’ve received…it will continue to keep you sane and remind you of the reason for your life.

    • Goforth's Journal

      Randy thanks, I appreciate those words. I do know that it’s in all of our lives for a reason. It is good to look at where we have been and where we are now in terms of the work that’s been done in our lives. Our life has a purpose.

  • Arthur Khachatryan

    Sometimes words are meaningless, there is no consolation, and man must simply dig into the deepest crevices of his being for strength to go on, and finding nothing but darkness there he reaches out for the light, and God meets us there. There in the midst of our anguish He meets us, and He allows us to suffer for purposes beyond our comprehension. We ask ‘why,’ but answers are not really what we’re after. We just want the pain to stop. If we humble ourselves, we pray, and God gives us enough strength to rise above our darkness, yet not more light than we need or can handle. Otherwise, perhaps we’d be inclined to forget that we need Him.

    We are not promised a life free from pain and suffering…we are offered something greater – a triumph above those conditions through the redemption of our Lord and Savior. Make the book of Job your best friend. Read it, memorize it, live it…there is much strength to be gained by holding on to God tighter and overcoming. Give this a listen – http://bible.christianpost.com/Job/3/ and feel the pain of Job. Then take a stronger hold of God and find His strength in your heart.

  • robinmatteri

    Mr. Goforth, I believe it was you who said to me, “stop being so hard on yourself.” So it will respond with, DITTO, sir!

    Here’s where I am today…..Eff ALL the pain, shake it off so to speak and let’s be grateful for what we’ve got my friend. WE ARE BLOGGERS (hahaha) and parents and friends and people and mistakers and painers and healers and human!

    I heard something in church last week that God makes it a little harder for some because he wants to make sure we’re serious about wanting to change. I don’t know about you but this makes total sense to me. I’ve flip flopped on wanting to make changes in my life for years….

    Let’s cry it all out and then start fresh. Can we??

  • Alex

    I think that everyone deals with the pain that you described at one point in our lives, even if for a short period of time, and maybe not all at once. When I was seven my parents told me I was adopted and all I wanted at the moment was for my adopted dad to be my dad( I realize now that he is and screw that other guy if he didn’t even want to be a part of my life). But a while afterwards I felt the pain of confusion and abandonment, even though I had everything I needed, an amazing mom and dad. In 2005, I lost my best friend to brain cancer and I felt the pain of loss which still stabs at me from time to time. The pain of loss is one of the worst kind of pain I think. I guess that what I’m trying to say is that you are not alone in this world of pain.

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